Mitch Hedberg Quotes

There's a dead comedian named Mitch Hedberg. He's rather funny, and had an unusual style in his routines. He didn't base his act around funny stories, he just told very witty jokes. I thought I'd post some of his more humorous ones here:

-I bought a seven dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

-I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number, something that's real easy to remember. Something like two two two two two two two two. I would say "Sweet." And then people would say, "Mitch, how do I get ahold of you?" I'd say, "Just press two for a while. And when I answer, you will know you have pressed two enough."

-Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier'n helpin' 'em move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load [stuff] into a truck.

-My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said "no, but I want a regular banana later, so ... yeah".

-On a stop light green means go and yellow means slow down, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go ahead, and red means, 'where the [heck] did you get that banana at?'

-I think Pringles original intention was to make tennis balls but on the day the rubber was supposed to show up a truckload of potatoes came. Pringles is a laid back company, so they just said "[to heck with] it, cut em up!"

-I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

-When you buy a box of Ritz crackers, on the back of the box, they have all these suggestions as to what to put on top of the Ritz. "Try it with turkey and cheese. Try it with peanut butter." But I like crackers man, that's why I bought it, 'cause I like crackers! I don't see a suggestion to put a Ritz on top of a Ritz. I didn't buy them because they're little edible plates! You've got no faith in the product itself.

-This is what my friend said to me; he said, "Guess what I like? Mashed potatoes." It's like,"Dude. you have to give me time to guess. If you're gonna quiz me, you have to insert a pause."

-I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

-This shirt is "dry-clean only"...which means it's dirty.

-My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. "Come on four billion! [Dang]! Seven. Not even close. I need some more dice. Four billion divided by six, at least."

-Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It's very dangerous to wave to someone you don't know because what if they don't have a hand? They'll think you're cocky. "Look what I got! This thing is useful. I'm gonna go pick something up!"

-If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be [screwed] up.

-I wrote a script and gave it to a guy that reads scripts. And he read it and said he really likes it, but he thinks I need to rewrite it. I said, "[To heck with] that, I'll just make a copy."

-I like vending machines 'cause snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at a store, oftentimes, I will drop it so that it achieves its maximum flavor potential.

-My apartment is infested with koala bears. Its the cutest infestation ever. Much better than cockroaches. I turn the lights on and the koalas scatter. I'm like, come back! I want to hold one of you, and feed you a leaf

-So I wish I could play little league now, I'd kick some [serious butt].

-Alcoholism is a disease but it's the only the disease you can get yelled at for having. [Dang] it, Otto, you're an alcoholic! [Dang] it, Otto, you have lupus! One of these doesn't sound right.