I remember a time long ago when Sunday was the best day of the week. You could go to church and be spiritually enlightened, relax and take a nap if you wanted or read and visit with family. I loved Sunday. Sadly I do not feel the same way anymore. Sundays are now filled with rushing to get everybody ready for church, entertaining children for 3 hours of church, missing nap time for baby which means he's crying all day and whatever other daily stresses we deal with on a day to day basis.
I was already stressed out on Sunday's before moving here and now I find myself being completely overwhelmed when Saturday night approaches. Jacob and I have new callings. He is now the ward clerk which means he has to leave at 7:40am for meetings and I am left to get 3 kids and myself ready and out the door by 8:40am in order to be to church by 9:00. My calling is the primary music leader. This alone stresses me out beyond all reason. I am terrified of this calling. I feel completely inept to do the job properly and I can't stand the thought of everybody watching me and counting on me to teach these children the songs not to mention it is going to take much preparation in order to get the lessons ready each week. I already feel like I don't have it in me to do the regular weekly chores and tasks.
These callings will keep both Jacob and I busy during the church hours so I have no idea what I am going to do with Asher. He is going through a phase where NOBODY besides me can hold him so he will probably end up crying the entire time which will make it hard for me to focus on teaching the music. Also we don't even have a nursery half the time so I might have Jake as well.
After church Jacob has more business to do so we end up waiting for him every other week for over an hour. We have been getting home around 2:00pm. By this time kids are tired, hungry, crying and I'm about ready to lose my mind.
Jacob has been great about letting me take a Sunday nap every week but it's not always as nice as it sounds. I usually can't relax because I can hear kids fighting or baby crying because you can hear everything that goes on in this house and there's no way around it. I would like to fix a nice Sunday dinner but when I'm that tired my family is lucky to even get a grilled cheese in which case I feel guilty for such a lame Sunday dinner.
I know that I am not the only one to go through these types of difficulties each week which is why I have to ask myself why do we do this? We don't get paid to do our callings. We don't get anything spiritually out of it due to putting all our focus on keeping kids quiet and entertained so what's the point? My response to myself is always the same....
I believe in a loving Heavenly Father and his son Jesus Christ. Them alone is more than enough reason for me to continue going to church each week. No amount of sacrifice and hard work on callings will ever pay back my debt to them. They have blessed me with so much in my life and I can show my gratitude by playing my part in this church and doing all that I can to become a better person. My Savior Jesus Christ gave his very life that I may repent of my wrong doings and return home some day to my Heavenly Father.
I can't imagine my life without this gospel. It scares me to even think where I would be without it. I want my children to learn as I did and know what I know so that they too can have the happiness I feel in my life. I go to church so that they can learn and grow in this gospel and know of it's importance. I go so that they can see how blessed we are because of it. I know that some day when they have grown a little more that things will get easier. I may have many gray hairs and wrinkles at a much younger age than I planned but I won't look back and regret a single one of them.
3 comments:
Oh, Kathryn. I have so been in your spot. Mike started as ward clerk right after Noah was born, and was away on Sunday mornings pretty regularly until recently. The day that Mike was called into the bishopric, I sobbed. In fact, I sobbed for a year and a half. Sunday was the day I dreaded and I hated having to think and prepare for everything on Saturday. Being pregnant with Lucy just intensified everything. Looking back, I can see the hand of the Lord in all of it. That's all I have to say. It doesn't mean things will be easy (obviously) but they are definitely what they need to be. You will be an amazing chorester. I'm actually surprised it took this long to get you there. You have such a wonderful musical gift and I know you will be blessed with all you need to serve well. I'm sure your mom can chime in with much more than I, but just know you are not alone! AND, it does get easier. Your ward is lucky to have you! :)
I was just called as Primary Music Leader, too. My first Sunday will be this week and I'm kind of freaking out.
There was a High Council speaker a few weeks ago that made me think of callings a little differently. He was talking about expectations within and out of the church. We expect a lot from ourselves. And we expect a lot from others around us. The example he brought up then was about the expectations of our youth. Our youth put on a carnival for the primary, essentially by themselves, with a little help from the leaders (or none... I was a laurel leader and I just showed up). Sometimes we feel like we can't meet all the expectations, but if we put forth the smallest effort to try and build up the kingdom of God, we will rise to the occasion. Probably more appropriately, we will be lifted by the hands of a loving and helpful Father in Heaven and realize we had greater potential than we thought.
Good luck! You have a lot of changes going on right now. I'm sure as time goes by things will settle a little more, a pattern will emerge that will make your load feel a little easier. At least I hope that for you. I'll keep your family in my prayers!
Kristine's comment reminds me of the first time that Paul was called to be in the bishopric, after we'd only been married a year--Grandmother told me that he would be a better man when I got him back (and of course she was right) but all I could think of was how I liked him just fine the way he was, thank you very much, and didn't want him to be gone. The second time I think I totally freaked out the Stake President, because I was in tears through the whole meeting, even though we were saying "yes" to the calling. So, you are in good company for feeling so isolated because of your callings.
The thing I learned that helped me get through it (especially the second time, because we by then had small children that I had to wrestle during meetings, and we were in NM at the time, as well) was to be kind to myself. I began to appreciate simple Sunday dinners (grilled cheese sandwiches sound like a fantastic Sunday tradition, actually--I think kids really don't care that much, and if you kill yourself making a big dinner you'll just resent them when they don't eat it--much better to embrace the simplicity) and also I valued Saturday night baths, and getting up an extra 30 minutes or so in order to get myself ready before the chaos of getting the kids ready began. I also embraced as much help from other women in the ward as I could get, which created some amazing friendships and memories (this was not an easy thing for me at first, to be sure). I admire your willingness to come back to your testimony to recognize why you're doing what you're doing. Writing it down and sharing it in your blog is a fantastic coping mechanism. Hang in there!
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